The Harry Potter Characters, Your Very Own Manual
by Ze Ultimate Fanfic Writer
Summary: You are now the proud owner of your very own Harry Potter Character! Please read instructions carefully before opening.
1. Harry Potter!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, as much as I would want to. If I did own Harry Potter, I would be living in a huge mansion along with my close family, friends, and admirers writing Deathly Hallows instead of writing fanfics. And the manual idea belongs to Possessed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno, who wrote _The Matrix Characters, Your Very Own Manual_, and whose permission I have to write this.

**_The Owner's Guide to Harry Potter_**

_**A Manual**_

_**Congratulations!**_

You are now the proud owner of the 17-year-old Harry James Potter, Earth's resident Boy Who Lived and Chosen One. To gain maximum enjoyment from your Harry, please read these instructions carefully before assembling.

_**What have I ordered?**_

Oh, come on! I already told you that you have ordered the 17-year-old Harry James Potter, Earth's resident Boy Who Lived and Chosen One. Your Harry comes with:

-One set of black Hogwarts school robes

-A dirty orange jumper that is five times too big for Harry

-A pair of jeans that is five times too big for Harry

-An eleven-inch-long wand made of holly with a core of phoenix feather

-A trunk with various other items belonging to Harry in it

Please do not remove the first, second, or third item, as we are trying our best to keep this manual K+ rated. If you still feel a desire to do so, please call 1-800-ZE-ULTIMATE-FANFIC-WRITER so we can punch some sense into you. If the first, second, or third item(s) is (are) missing, replace immediately! Any attempt to remove the fourth item will result in the destruction of you.

_**How to Assemble**_

Your Harry is fairly easy to assemble. He will arrive in a sturdy wooden crate with the letters H.P. on each side in red and gold. Put any valuable items far, far away from the crate. DO NOT OPEN THE CRATE. Your Harry will cast a spell that causes a large hole to appear in one of the sides of the crate. Then he will crawl out of his own accord.

**Help! I opened the crate!**

Do not panic. Your Harry will soon jump out of the crate and demand where he is. Calmly explain where he is and proceed to the **_After Assembling_** section.

**Help! I left a valuable item(s) near the crate! And Harry's spell blasted a hole through/destroyed it!**

Do not panic. If your Harry blasted a hole through a valuable item(s), slowly explain the matter to him, and if you are good with words, your Harry will be kind enough to fix the item for you. If you are not good with words, your Harry will ignore you. If your Harry destroyed a valuable item(s), then you must criticize yourself for being so stupid and not following this manual's instructions.

_**After Assembling**_

Once your Harry is out of the crate, he will ask you if you are a Death Eater. Respond with "No," even if it is "Yes." He will then order you to pull up the sleeve of your arm. If you have a Dark Mark or anything that resembles a Dark Mark on your arm, we strongly advise you to somehow get rid of it prior to the arrival of your Harry. After checking that you have no Dark Mark on your arm (which you hopefully do), your Harry will ask where his sleeping quarters are. Lead him to his room, where he will stay for as long as he wants and will come down by our orders only if you yell loudly from the dining room "BREAKFAST/LUNCH/DINNER'S READY." If you have no room ready for your Harry, he will take over your room, and you will have to sleep in your living room/kitchen/dining room/etc. until you get a room ready for your Harry.

**Help! I had the Dark Mark/anything that resembles the Dark Mark on my arm! And Harry saw it!**

Do not panic. Calmly explain that you have made a grave mistake, and that Dumbledore has forgiven you. For no particular reason, he will say, "DON'T TELL ME YOU MADE A MISTAKE, YOU WERE LISTENING AT THE DOOR!" Then he will proceed to make you die a very slow and painful death. We warned you.

**Help! I had no room ready for Harry and he took over my room!**

See above.

_**Added Info**_

As soon as your Harry moves into a room, he will unpack his possessions from his trunk and leave everything unkempt. He does not like cleaning up, and will surely enjoy it if you clean up for him yourself.

_**What does Harry like to do?**_

Your Harry _doesn't_ like following instructions, so if you ever need to give him instructions, make sure they are not along the lines of "Stay where you are," because then he will explode (metaphorically) and complain about how adults ignore him, even if you are not an adult. You will just have to listen to him rant on for 2 hours, maximum. Just do not talk back while he is ranting. Also, do not let him hear anything along the lines of "But if You-Know-Who's possessing him..." Especially NOT behind locked doors. And especially NOT in a hospital. He will be capable of doing anything else besides that.

**Help! I talked back while Harry was ranting!**

Do not panic. The time period of the ranting will be extended 1 more hour, minimum. Just do not talk back again, or your Harry will turn away and leave. You have just lost your Harry character.

**Help! Harry heard something along the lines of "But if You-Know-Who's possessing him..." behind a locked door!**

Do not panic. Your Harry will shut himself up in his room and become extremely sulky. If you have a Hermione character or a Ginny character, both of which are available from us, please usher her into Harry's room. (It is, of course, better if you have both characters). They will be able to calm Harry down in a jiffy, and he will be back to normal soon. If you do not have either a Hermione character or a Ginny character, order them right away.

**Help! Harry heard something along the lines of "But if You-Know-Who's possessing him..." behind a locked door! And he was in a hospital!**

Your Harry has just suffered a mental breakdown. He will lock himself up in his room and sit huddled up in a corner of his room. Even the Hermione character or Ginny character or both cannot cure him. He will not even come down to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He will stay, shattered, in the corner of his room for the rest of his life (which will probably not be very long, as he is not eating and drinking). At least you have an empty room right now.

_**How to Maintain your Harry**_

Your Harry is fairly easy to maintain. Just make sure he comes down to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and make sure he eats all his nutrients. That's all, really.

_**In Conclusion**_

We hope that you will enjoy the newest (and bravest and most reckless) member of your family. If Harry requires a friend, please consider one of the following:

-Ron Weasley

-Hermione Granger

-Ginny Weasley

-Luna Lovegood

-Neville Longbottom

-Sirius Black

-Professor Lupin

-The Marauders Set

-The Weasley Twins

The following are not recommended:

-Draco Malfoy

-Crabbe and Goyle

-Professor Snape

-Voldemort

-Death Eater Set

-Peter Pettigrew

-Romilda Vane

Thank you for reading this manual, and if you want to contact us, call 1-800-REVIEW.


	2. Ron Weasley!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter.

**_An Owner's Guide to Ronald Weasley_**

_**A Manual**_

_**Congratulations!**_

You are now the proud owner of the 17-year-old Ronald Billus Weasley (more commonly known as Ron), the red-headed and somewhat jealous sidekick to Harry Potter. To gain maximum enjoyment from your Ron, please read these instructions carefully before opening.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You have ordered Earth's resident Boy-Who-Lived and Chosen One's jealous but mandatory sidekick. Your Ron comes with:

-One set of hand-me-down black Hogwarts school robes

-One hand-me-down baggy black jumper

-One pair of hand-me-down baggy black pants

-A wand fourteen inches long, made of willow with a core of unicorn hair

-An overactive, small grey owl the size of a tennis ball

-A bezoar

-A trunk with various other items belonging to Ron in it

Any attempt to remove first, second, or third item will result in the destruction of your sanity. Any attempt to remove fourth item will result in the destruction of said item, and any attempt to remove fifth item will result in several pecks on various parts of your body and possible severe injury.

_**How to Assemble**_

Your Ron will come in an ordinary plastic hand-me-down box. After about 30 seconds of arrival, you will hear banging, complaining, and screaming. Only then should you open the box. Your Ron will climb out of his own accord.

**Help! I opened the box before I heard banging, complaining, and screaming!**

Do not panic. Your Ron will jump out of the box and point his wand at you, his face red. If you have a Harry character, a Hermione character, and/or a Ginny character (all of which are available from us), get them in the area right away. They will be able to calm down Ron soon. If you do not have any of the said characters and you are a religious person, pray to God/Jesus/Allah/Buddha/etc. If not, now's a good time to convert.

_**After Assembling**_

Your Ron will ask you where he is. Calmly explain. Then, as your Ron is very hungry after the journey, he will require something to eat, preferably fried chicken. We therefore strongly advise you to have some kind of food and drink ready on the dining room table for your Ron. He will march over to your dining room and devour whatever is on the table. If there is nothing on the table, there is a 95 chance that he will eat said table. After eating, your Ron will ask where his room is. If you have a Harry character, make your Ron share a room with him. He will be too happy to oblige. If not, show him an empty room or he will take over your room until you get a room ready for him.

**Help! Ron took over my room!**

See above.

_**Added Info**_

If you have both a Harry character and a Romilda Vane character in your house, Ron will accidentally swallow a love potion on his birthday. He is programmed to. When that happens, your Ron will run amok around the house, looking for Romilda Vane and saying silly things to her. If you want your old Ron back again (trust me, you will), we recommend a Professor Slughorn character. He will give Ron the antidote and a bottle of poisoned mulled mead. (Professor Slughorn is not a murderer; he is programmed to give the poisoned mead to Ron.) When your Ron becomes poisoned, shove a bezoar (which comes with your Ron) down his throat and put him in bed, where he will croak Hermione's name for the rest of the day. He will be fine in a few days.

_**What does Ron like to do?**_

Your Ron likes to eat and play Quidditch with Harry and Ginny. If you have a very high fence over your garden or a very wide room with a ceiling 3 meters high (minimum), you may allow Ron to play Quidditch in said place(s). Do not use real Quidditch balls, but make sure they use apples.

_**How to Maintain your Ron**_

Your Ron is fairy easy to maintain. Just make sure he doesn't meet any spiders, as he is highly arachnophobic and will turn very pale and will edge slowly away from it until he meets the wall. Also, do not make Ron fly any cars, as he will slam said car into a tree and break his wand. He will be highly stressed after that.

**Help! Ron met a spider/spiders!**

If the spider is a small, ordinary spider, squash it with the sole of your shoe. If it is a huge, 6-foot-tall spider, run, taking Ron and any other people that happen to be there with you.

**Help! Ron was flying a car and he slammed the car into a tree and broke his wand!**

Try to calm him down with the words "Be thankful it wasn't your neck." If that doesn't work, if you have a Harry character, tell him to accompany Ron on a trip to Diagon Alley and buy him a new wand. If you do not have a Harry character, order him immediately!

_**In Conclusion**_

We hope you enjoy the newest (and most sarcastic and sulky) addition to your family. If Ron requires a friend, please consider one of the following:

-Harry Potter

-Hermione Granger

-Ginny Weasley

-Luna Lovegood

-Neville Longbottom

-Sirius Black

-The Weasley Twins

-Bill Weasley

-Charlie Weasley

The following are not recommended:

-Draco Malfoy

-Crabbe and Goyle

-Professor Snape

-Percy Weasley

-Lavender Brown

-Viktor Krum

If you feel like filming a good soap opera, consider ordering a Lavender Brown character, a Hermione Granger character, a Cormac McLaggen character, a Viktor Krum character, a Ginny Weasley character, a Harry Potter character, and a Cho Chang character and you will be able to film a highly grossing soap opera in no time.

Thank you for reading this manual, and if you want to contact us, call 1-800-REVIEW.

UPDATE: A customer who is referred to as Frazzled in Fresno, has informed us that if a Ron character and a Hermione character are in the same room, Ron is prone to unpredictable actions from wild mood swings to outbursts, especially if Hermione shows any attention at all to another boy. If this happens (which has a pretty good chance), you could:

1. Order a Harry character and/or a Ginny character.

2. Arrange for your Ron to go on a blind date with your Hermione. (Scientists are testing this solution out; so far, 45.6 of cases have gone fine, 23 of cases have not, and 31.4 of cases have gone so-and-so.)

3. Return your Ron to us for a 90 refund. (Just DO NOT return your Hermione to us, as your Ron will go berserk.)


	3. Hermione Granger!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter.

**_An Owner's Guide to Hermione Granger_**

_**A Manual**_

_**Congratulations!**_

You are now the proud owner of the 17-year-old Hermione Granger, Earth's resident Bookworm of the Millennium and believer of facts.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You have ordered Harry and Ron's best friend and the only person known to have swallowed an entire library. Your Hermione comes with:

-One set of black Hogwarts school robes

-One black T-shirt

-One set of ordinary jeans

-A wand made of vine wood

-A large cat christened 'Crookshanks'

-A box of S.P.E.W. (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare) badges

Any attempt to remove first, second, or third item will result in a bad hex or jinx. Any attempt to remove fourth item will result in a slap on the face, and any attempt to remove fifth item will result in several scratches on the body and bleeding.

_**How to Assemble**_

Your Hermione will come in a wooden box. Open the box within 10 hours after arrival. Your Hermione will jump out of the box promptly. Easy, huh?

_**After Assembling**_

Within 5 minutes after your Hermione has jumped out of her box, toss her a very thick book (regardless of language, as your Hermione will enjoy trying to learn the language), whether it be a dictionary, encyclopedia, or novel. She will sit down on the floor and read the book. After she has finished the book, give her something to eat and lead her to her room, which should be full of books. You _do_ have a room ready for your Hermione, don't you? If not, your Hermione will study until she dies, and if that happens, remind yourself, well, we're not responsible for the funeral fees.

**Help! I don't have a very thick book to toss to Hermione!**

Do not panic, and if you are near a telephone, dial 1-800-THICK-BOOK. A team of professionals will arrive within 3 minutes with the needed thick book. If you are not near a telephone, slowly edge over to one and call the above number.

_**Added Info**_

Do not make any mention to Hermione about house elves, even if it's just in passing. She will give you a two-hour lecture about slavery and house elves. Please do not talk back during this lecture. Finally, after she has finished lecturing you, your Hermione will shove a box of Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (S.P.E.W.) badges in front of your nose and force you to sign up for S.P.E.W. Sign up, even if it is only to make your Hermione shut up, and please don't say anything of the lines of "_Spew_? What's _spew_?". After that, do not make any mention about house elves, or your Hermione will just repeat the process above, but instead of forcing you to sign up for S.P.E.W., she will force you to take part in various activities in the society. After the above incident, your Hermione will shovel down food at meals as if she has starved for a week, then go to research on elf rights.

**Help! I talked back while Hermione was lecturing me!**

You have just lengthened the time period of the lecture by one hour, minimum. Just don't talk back again, or your Hermione will throw the box of S.P.E.W. badges at you and storm out of the house. You have just lost your Hermione character.

**Help! I said something along the lines of "_Spew_? What's _spew_?"!**

Your Hermione will cast a murderous glance at you and say angrily, "It's not _spew_, (insert your name)! It's short for the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare!" After that, we beg you; _please_ do not make any mention of spew.

**Help! I mentioned something about house elves after I joined S.P.E.W.!**

See above.

_**What does Hermione like to do?**_

Your Hermione likes to read, read, read, and study, study, study. As long as you supply books for her to read and tests for her to take (make them extra hard) as well as nutritious food, she will prosper and live a long life.

_**How to Maintain your Hermione**_

As said in the **_What does Hermione like to do?_** section, as long as you include books, tests, and studying to your Hermione's timetable, she will live a long, content life.

_**In Conclusion**_

We hope you enjoy the newest (and most studious and practical) addition to your family. If Hermione requires a friend, please consider one of the following:

-Harry Potter

-Ron Weasley

-Ginny Weasley

The following are not recommended:

-Draco Malfoy

-Crabbe and Goyle

-Rita Skeeter

If you have a family that lacks conflict and jealousy and seriously want some, please consider ordering Ron Weasley, Lavender Brown, Cormac McLaggen, and Viktor Krum. Your house will explode with fights and yelling every day and jealousy will hang around in the air for years to come.

Thank you for reading this manual, and if you want to contact us, call 1-800-REVIEW.


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